Like many government agencies and other businesses, at the end of the fiscal year if there is still money left in the annual budget a call goes out for year-end purchases. I submitted the following request:


-----Original Message-----
From: Lanicek, Richard E USA Mr USA CSTC-A (MPRI)
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 9:18 AM
Subject: Year-end buy

Year-end buy requirement: One (1) broadsword.
No NSN identified. See http://www.coldsteel.com/88hnh.html.

Justification:

1. Per MPRI corporate guidelines, employees are not allowed firearms for personal protection. As identified in the 012308 PM meeting, the threat level for MPRI employees billeted in the Big House and the White House is elevated, as evidenced by the change/evolution of tactics demonstrated by the recent insurgent attack on the Serena Hotel. In lieu of a firearm, an edged weapon would be an acceptable alternative. Many MPRI employees currently carry pocket-sized knives and/or lock blade type edged weapons for utilitarian and personal protection purposes. A broadsword is widely viewed by those in the sword community as the best all-around and durable weapon for close combat.

2. Worldwide news agencies typically include scientific reports detailing new, mutating viruses/germs as threats to life and health. Recent increases in genetic and embryonic research have accelerated the possibility of new, unknown viruses for which we have no antidote, cure, or methods of prevention. Infection is imminent. Many researchers have determined that the most likely new viral mutation will result in a world-wide epidemic, causing zombie-like symptoms, including the preference of living human flesh as a food source and resistance to all defenses other than decapitation. Ergo, a broadsword is the logical sidearm against zombie attack. Considering the poor sanitation and high air pollution of Afghanistan, I surmise that this country will be one of the most susceptible to a zombie epidemic.

3. A broadsword would be commensurate with the MPRI logo and, as such, greatly enhance the reputation and respect of MPRI.

Rick Lanicek
L-3 Communications/MPRI
Kabul, Afghanistan
Local 0798-254-581

Amazingly, despite the eloquent verbiage and painstaking research evidenced above, my request was denied. Hmpf.

Out.